Harry Versus Mrs Black
by FirePhoenix86
Summary: Let's just say an argument gets out of hand between Harry and the dreaded portrait of Mrs. Black and it gives new meaning to the phrase 'Pissed off'. Warning: Indecent exposure and semi-public urination involved. Oneshot.


**Harry Versus Mrs. Black**

by: FirePhoenix86  
4/9/12

* * *

Ron and Hermione slowly walked up the path to 12 Grimmauld Place. It was a bright, sunny day with nary a cloud in the sky and a light breeze carried the scent of a neighbor's barbeque to their noses.

"I told you Ron, just because I don't follow the league religiously doesn't mean I don't know the teams and the scores. I try to maintain a slight interest in Quidditch for your sake. You could try to feign interest in the things I enjoy," Hermione said bitterly.

"I went to that stupid play, Hermione. I could barely keep my eyes open for the first ten minutes. It's not my fault that I could barely understand what the bloke said half the time," Ron replied with a roll of his eyes. They arrived at the doorstep and she knocked.

"Ronald, it was Romeo and Juliet! One of the most popular plays for the last several centuries and it was in English! I just don't understand why you can't even put forth a miniscule effort to pretend to enjoy some of my favorite things. You hate reading anything but Quidditch magazines, you fall asleep at the plays I bring you to, and you utterly embarrassed me at the opera last month by laughing loudly through the first act and snoring through the second two!" she huffed as she knocked a second time.

Ron mumbled something and she rolled her eyes.

"That opera wasn't the least bit funny. It was about the marriage of a woman to a man who didn't love her. She ended up having his child after he left her and then slit her throat when he came for the child three years later," she shook her head again as she turned to the door.

"What is taking Harry so long," she asked as she knocked again. They waited for a few more minutes and he reached for the door knob.

The door was pushed open and instantly they heard screaming. They gave each other a quick glance before they ran inside, their argument forgotten instantly. What they found made their jaws drop.

"BLOOD-TRAITOR!"

"BLOODY BANSHEE!"

"DISGRACE TO THE WIZARDING WORLD!"

"FAT, UGLY HAG!"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"_YOU_ GET OUT OF _MY_ HOUSE!"

"PSYCHOTIC DELINQUENT!"

"PAINTING!"

Harry was standing face to face with the painting of Mrs. Black, his face was bright red and sweaty, his eyes were nearly bugging out of their sockets, and his fists were balled up.

"YOU DISGUSTING, MUGGLE-LOVING MANIAC! IF I WERE ALIVE I WOULD GLADLY STRANGLE YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS! MY SON DESERVED WHAT HE GOT AND MORE! I HOPE HIS DEATH WAS PAINFUL AND DRAWN OUT, AND I HOPE YOU WERE FORCED TO WATCH IT ALL!" screaming the portrait. Had she been a real person spittle would have been flying all over Harry.

"THAT'S _**IT**_!" shouted Harry. He leaned over and grabbed a stool, set it in front of the painting and stood on it. As he stepped up his hands flew to his trouser zipper and he undid it quickly, exposing himself. Hermione and Ron were too shocked to do anything but stare, as Mrs. Black screamed like someone was murdering her while Harry began to urinate on the canvas.

"THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOU, YOU HEARTLESS BITCH!" Harry screamed loudly as he aimed for her face as best he could.

For almost a minute he stood there as she screamed insanely, waving her arms in front of her as if to stop any urine from hitting her face. When Harry was finished he tucked himself back into his trousers, leaned close to the painting and laughed maniacally in the screaming woman's face. Ron and Hermione had overcome their initial shock and cleared their throats to announce their entrance.

Harry whipped around quickly, but as he was still on the stool he lost his balance and tumbled to the floor. Thankfully he fell backwards away from the painting and the puddle underneath.

Ron barked out a laugh and had to squat down so as to avoid falling himself. Hermione, still slightly wide eyed, leaned over to help Harry stand up.

"Er, uh, how much of that…did you two see?" he asked hesitantly.

"Um, well, I think we came in at Blood-traitor, then you yelled something about a banshee," Hermione offered.

"Oh…so you guys saw…" Harry paused and then gestured to the puddle. This made Ron laugh even harder.

Hermione simply nodded, her eyes wide and her lips tight. Mrs. Black was still screaming, and broken sobs were heard occasionally along with muttered curses and phrases of disgust. She even did an undignified shake like she was trying to shake the urine off of her.

"I can't believe you did that! You disgusting, horrid, retched, nasty, filthy…" Mrs. Black was muttering.

"Maybe next time you'll listen when I tell you to _shut up_! You bloody hag," Harry said venomously. He waved at his friends to come in, then he turned and waved his wand at the puddle under the painting and _Vanished_ it before sanitizing the area.

"Aren't you going to clean me off!" screeched the painting. Harry looked at her and appeared to think about it for a split second before answering.

"Nope."

He turned and walked down the hall ignoring her bellowing. Ron and Hermione followed him to the kitchen where they didn't dare ask what had started the fight. Harry, despite his red ears, pretended nothing had happened and they followed suit.

He casually poured them some tea as he asked, "So, what's new with you two? Did you guys enjoy Romeo and Juliet?"

* * *

a/n: this is what sleep deprivation and cough meds do to me...please review and tell me what you think of it. The Opera I mention is called Madame Butterfly and I don't either the opera or Harry Potter...just something I do when I'm bored or sick...this is unbeta'd so any mistakes are hopefully minor. If you see one, let me know and hopefully I can correct them soon.

Now Review! Go!


End file.
